The Secret Gift
by TheWickedQuill
Summary: MA Max gives Alec a gift that costs her her happiness but ensures his.


**The Secret Gift**

Title: **The Secret Gift**  
Author: jracklesfan77  
Show: DA  
Genre: Angst  
Pairing: M/A  
Type: Stand Alone

Summary: Max gives Alec a gift that costs her happiness but ensures his

I know I've said it before, that hope is for losers - a con job people trip behind till they finally get a grip on the cold, hard truth. It's true, after all. The way I see it, people need to get a clue, a strong grip on life as it really is. And I have. I did that, a long time ago.

People wonder why I stay with Logan, why I'm still with him after everything that's happened. I've been told that I'm crazy. Original Cindy pointed out the obvious, almost two years ago, after I came home from Logan's crying. We'd had another one of our 'break-up' talks. The picture she painted was vivid, and awoke every dormant emotion I ever felt. And all I wanted was to run into his arms and have him tell me everything would be okay. Hey, hold on a minute, don't get me wrong. I'm not talking Logan here.

I always had a thing for Alec. From the first moment I saw him I knew I wanted him. But I had the whole guilt dealio goin' on, and bein' me, I pushed him away. It kinda became a habit, y'know? Pretending I didn't care so I wouldn't have to face up to it, admit that I was fallin' for the guy. I mean, who woulda thought? Everything I'd been running from for over 10 years was suddenly the only thing I wanted. I wanted that hard, strong soldier-boy who'd crawled under my skin and made himself a home. But I had my reasons for staying with Logan back then. They've only changed over time.

There's a nagging feeling inside, the kind made up of pain, sadness and the joy you get from knowing you gave someone something they wanted so desperately, and that you gave it without their knowledge. Should make me feel good, right? Knowing I was able to do that?

They tell me I've become quiet, reserved, distant. That I should get out more, have some fun. But things just aren't the same anymore. Not without Alec there to fill the silence with his incessant chatter and annoying wit.

Last year we had a long talk. We discussed what things were important to us, what we wanted most out of life.

_"Alec, if there was one thing in the world that you could have, what would it be?" I was leaning against his broad chest, his arm wrapped lightly around my waist. The night was cool, and the air breezy up on the Needle. We cuddled for warmth._

_Alec didn't hesitate. "A family. Manticore deprived us of so many things, Maxie. One day, I want a family. I want to have kids, a home. I want to be happy; we deserve to be happy."_

_I twisted to look up at him. He looked so determined, so sad, and I wanted nothing more than to make sure his wish came true. It was at that moment that I realized I loved him. That I would give him the world if I could._

_I had been on the verge of telling him how I felt, my mouth open and forming the words when my cell rang._

It was that moment, that interruption, that changed my life. The voice on the other end of the phone informed me of the test results I had been waiting for. I had glanced at Alec, tears welling in my eyes as I quickly closed my mouth, the words I had been about to say suddenly forgotten. I snapped the phone shut and I vaguely heard Alec talking.

_"Maxie, you know how I feel about you. I know you feel the same, Max. Stop lying to yourself, to me," he pleaded. I was still spinning from the shock of the phone call that had just sent my world, my hopes, to hell. _

It was then that I made up my mind. I couldn't go anywhere with this. Nothing could come out of it.

_I raised my eyes to Alec's and slapped his cheek. His head snapped back at the force of the blow._

_"I don't care about you like that! I never have and never will! You're such a dick! Get it through your thick skull that not every woman is skeezy enough to fall into bed with you!"_

_His eyes flashed with pain and my heart constricted, beating painfully in my tight chest. _

Sam Carr's diagnosis had been correct. The virus had turned and mutated and the damage was extensive. His quiet words still ring in my head today, a year later. _I'm sorry, Max. I'm afraid you'll never be able to have children._ My world had crashed around me and I was buried under a wave of emotions that I didn't know I was capable of feeling.

I haven't told anyone about that day, or about Sam's words. I swallowed everything and keep it locked away in my heart. And now you know - why I stay with Logan. He's safe, he's familiar...he doesn't want children. With him I know my secret is safe.

Glancing across the rooftops and peeking through the window down the street, I watch the tender scene unfold before my eyes. He'll never know, no one will ever know just what I gave up to see him like this. What doors I slammed and locked my heart behind so that I could give Alec the one thing he always wanted.

Hot tears are streaming down my face as I watch Hailey hand the bundle to Alec. It's worth every sacrifice, y'know? My silence, my unhappiness, my longing, pain, and love. It's worth every moment of the stabbing pain to see his eyes sparkle and the soft smile that lights up his face as he leans down to kiss his newborn son.

This is my secret gift.

- FIN -

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